Be Gentle with Yourself

Real

Some days we feel like interacting with people. We feel like smiling, engaging and conversing. Others day’s, we don’t. So what?

As touched on in a previous post, accepting the negatives, and just going with the flow, establishes us as a real person. People see us as genuine and human when we can easily say: “you know what? Today I just don’t feel like talking much.”

Striving for perfection, constantly looking for that next mountain to climb, can make us seem a little too ‘much.’ We must get real and acknowledge that shit does happen. In fact, the more we’re able to say and accept this, the sooner we move on from it. It’s the trying too hard, to be constantly upbeat and positive about life, that makes us seem a little contrived and false. Being a real human being makes us more acceptable to those around us. We ALL have off days.

It is okay to be imperfect.

Be imperfectly perfect.

You might not feel like exercising today; you might even feel like having a day where you eat and drink, doing everything and anything you want. This might include sitting on the sofa eating cake, and if it does, do it. Be free. You’re human and there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

Some days it’s good to yield, and let go. Accept that you’re okay and give yourself a little breathing space. Today there is nothing wrong with feeling wrong. Wholeness, hasn’t anything to do with perfection or correctness, it has everything to do with the acceptance of you.

A Beautiful Ambition of Wholeness

Wholeness - You Guilty Dog

The reason for wanting a Beautiful Ambition of Wholeness is healthy-selfish. Healthy-selfish differs greatly to guilty-selfish. The latter is driven by the belief there is something wrong with looking out for number one. You must always come first.  

So healthy-selfish, is based on the need to improve one’s own quality of life. The overall effect of this, is we become great role models through our new ambition of wholeness (finding and knowing ourselves). The initial effect of our selfishness is we become healthier and happier. There can be nothing wrong with healthy-selfish.

Why does wholeness make us healthy and happy?

In answer to that question, seeking wholeness is the method we must employ to remove conflict. Conflict creates the kind of stress that creates illness and unhappiness. The easiest example we can find of this kind of conflict is that of unconscious guilt.

“Guilt that’s buried beneath the level of our awareness drives all kinds of issues. From damaging habits, to the confusion caused through our seeming powerlessness to change, unremoved guilt is the culprit”

When we carry guilt – and remain unaware as to what degree – we will often look to shed this through sharing it. We will look to find ways in which we can cause others to also feel guilty. We want them to feel the way we do. It’s a little like the school bully who’s hurting, and as such, needs others to share his pain.

In a sense, this sharing changes how we feel, alleviating pain and confusion. At least for a short time. We can think of self harm in this same light. Confusion, often caused by guilt, is alleviated through transforming this into the physical feelings of pain.

“There’s confusion, frustration and unresolved guilt, buzzing through my brain. When I cut myself I feel relieved”  

And so the alternative to cutting ourselves (this also might take the form of illness) is to relieve ourselves of stress through the healthy-selfish option of getting to know ourselves better.

We must of course think in these healthy-selfish terms, (putting me first is okay) so that we don’t jeopardise our endeavours through feeling bad about our new ambition, of wholeness. Guilty-selfish is a little like constantly taking two steps forward and one step back. Unless we remove the guilt buried beneath our awareness we’ll be trapped in this dilemma.

So how do I remove something I’m unaware of?

If your behaviour is in any way self destructive, this is the mind’s way, of making you aware. Thoughts of suicide are the extreme example of this. We can pin all manner of things on why we might feel this way, (relationship break up, money worries etc, etc.) yet ultimately, guilt (I’m a failure) is always the underlying factor. Through the magic of seeking wholeness – making this our ambition – guilt is seen for what it truly is.

Guilt is the inner self saying: ‘There is something wrong with me’

If we take the example of my need to guilt a sixteen year old (in an attempt to gain respect) all it did was cause aggravation and upset. If I’d said something like: “I understand why you’re behaving this way” the effect would have been more manageable. Instead of  our inner voice saying ‘there is something wrong with you’ far better we catch this habit and say I understand this as guilt; there is nothing wrong with me.’

“The reality is there can be nothing wrong with you, because whatever it is that’s happening right now, it’s only a lesson taking you closer to wholeness”

For example, without the experience I had with my sixteen year old work colleague, (if you haven’t already you will need to read at least part of this post) I’d not be writing this now, and I’d not be able to do things differently next time around. In other words, we need to get things wrong, in order to change our behaviour for the next time. If all we do is feel guilt, and never move forward from this, we’re buggered.

When hindsight enables me to think of my experience with the child in my last post, I do in fact know why, he behaves the way he does. It’s because of his belief that he’s a man (the adults around him require this because he has six younger brothers) that he sees me as an equal. My ego finds this offensive. My ego felt that my age in some way creates superiority. Reflection has taught me the error in my thinking. It doesn’t create superiority, yet I still believe, it demands respect. This is purely down to my belief older and wiser people deserve to be shown it.

A sixteen year old, who’s never been given good reason to respect an adult, and also believes he’s a man, will struggle with this. When I guilted him I inadvertently told him: “There’s something wrong with you.” There is something wrong, yet the problem doesn’t lie within him, it’s lies in a lack of relevant information.

Information is the key. The more we know, about the real reasons for why we do the things we do, the closer we come to wholeness: A Beautiful Ambition Indeed.

If you desire the kind of information, that sets you on the path of wholeness, you can find your application form here.

General enquiries to: info@freedmancollege.org