Confused and Contradicted?

“If you spent most of your life, feeling confused and contradicted, what do you think would be the long term effect?”

Insanity is one option, however, the favoured one has to be silence. That’s right, if, whenever you’ve given an opinion of fact – or otherwise – and you’ve found yourself contradicted, eventually, you’ll simply stop talking. So damaged will your self-esteem be that you’ll just give up. I’ve met a lot of very quiet elderly people. Eventually they say: “What’s the point in talking to these fuckers when I’m either wrong or ignored?”

What, if during any kind of discussion – be it heated or calm and constructed – things you’ve said in the past are brought up? How does it feel to have your face constantly rubbed in the nonsense you’ve said in the past? From being foolish in our youth, to mistakes in adulthood, most of us feel some residual guilt. In this respect, do you wish everything you’ve ever done or said, could be just deleted?

“There is actually a way to do that. You could just move on. Move away from those who confuse and look to bring you down through constant contradiction or guilt”

The other way though, is to find understanding (and probably still move on). Why do those around you contradict nearly everything you say? Incidental, they might not be doing this directly, there are some very subtle ways this is done, so you may not consciously recognise it. You might just feel put down and unconfident and not fully understand why. Eventually, even criticism becomes the norm. We stop hearing it, and just feel it, as anger disappears down into self-loathing and depression.

“Back in your basket naughty boy, how dare you try and rise above me!”

Consider how you feel, when giving an opinion, only to find someone else has already said it. Or indeed someone else has a slightly different or better take on what you’ve just opined. We can also have the strength of our opinions and expertise brought down simply by them being ignored. Get ignored enough, and you either realise what you’re saying is complete bollocks, frightens people, or it might just be a load of old hat. If it is, shut the fuck up, or you’ll find what you seek: confirmation of the belief you’re nothing important. 

The other side of this is, if we don’t have the good manners to hear someone’s opinion, and recognise it to be the right one, (everyone’s opinion is correct) this will be due to our own fragile ego. It could well be that we’re frightened of someone reaching higher ground than ourselves. As such, we look to confuse and contradict them, in an attempt to keep them at our level. If this is the case, we’re not doing ourselves any favours, the eventual break-up, will be far more painful. When we look to control others, the pain is far greater, when they eventually leave. This is due to the enormous amounts of effort and energy we’ve expended looking to trap them.

If you want to get along, never contradict anyone. You may feel they’re incorrect, however, think about your own beliefs and opinions, are they correct? Of course they are, so give everyone else the honour of seeing their opinions, as being correct too.

In my humble opinion, the definition of insanity, is not just the habit of doing the same things over and over again expecting different results, it’s not knowing what you’re doing, and how you affect those around you, that’s the real insanity.

Contact Us if you’d like to raise your self-esteem and cure insanity.

Beautiful Naivety

Children running free, Beauty of
The Beauty of Innocence and Naivety

I’ve worked alongside a person, who has such deep and limiting insecurity within herself, it’s left me feeling bewildered. I’ve asked myself: how can this person think like this? How can she have such a shocking disregard of her own achievements? How can she be so insecure? and how is it she feels threatened by those of no comparison?

“The answer to these questions doesn’t lie quite as deeply as we might first imagine.”

If we’re not given sufficient reason to value ourselves when young, we will potentially always struggle to do so. An adult, who has faced neglect and/or physical abuse in childhood, will find it a persistent struggle to achieve higher levels of self-esteem.

It doesn’t matter what achievements they may have made in their life, they will never regard them as such, when inside, there lurks this lack of security and self-belief. A gremlin of monstrous proportions.

It’s often difficult when observing how the neglected are constantly fighting for their lives. Not only fighting to keep their heads above water, but also to wrestle down their own self-destructive, inner-demons. So damaged are they, that life has become an intolerable day to day struggle. Lonely people wondering why, this stinking mess of a life, has turned into such a goddamn hell.

“There is this desire to gently place my hands on her shoulders and tell her softly why she hates him so.”

I see her with these daily struggles. It would be so much easier for her if she understood the principles of projection: how we project our inner demons onto others. We don’t really know, that person sitting opposite us on the bus, but we hate him so.

“We hate him because he represents the coward who took our power and abused us back then.”

Of course simply projecting all this anger and hatred onto others, children included (even our own) does nothing but keep us angry, and hateful. To top it all, these feelings, also keep us confused.

Projecting our inner fears never fixes the problem. Not until we realise how our power was taken away from us, at a time when we we’re powerless to defend ourselves, do we start to change. Now we have a measure of power, we want to strike out, no matter our chosen victim. Stop wasting your energy.

Through these projections, our unconscious mind is looking to help us resolve conflict. When we get this, freedom from our demons, beckons. Do not blame the man on the bus, do not blame yourself, accept the truth and move on.

Small dependent children have the power of love on their side, and yet sometimes this love, doesn’t exist, within the adults around them.

“In this instance, even the power of love is shrouded in the darkness of a cowardly, abusive adult.”

The harmed, when touched by the love of an understanding person, in their adult lives, often don’t know how to react, or what to do with their conflicting feelings. They may even reject this kind of love as fear and confusion grips their soul.

In order to survive, children must love those they’re dependent on, and it’s so often this love, borne of their naivety, that becomes an additional weakness. As adults, believing we may be abused through our love once again, we shut down and reject the good from our lives. 

“When this love and dependence is used and abused by loveless adults, the gates of hell are opened.”

Even though the woman I’ve worked alongside has achieved greatness, even beyond what she can presently understand, I’ve heard her express how death would come as relief. If she could spend just ten minutes in the mind of a loved, cherished and protected child, she would clearly see the almighty struggle her life has been. It may fill her with rage, at the injustice and inequality of it all, and yet, it may also help her realise, what an amazing and beautiful survivor, she is.

“Perhaps then she would cease this journey of self-destruction.”

Children, who are understood for their beautiful-disability of naivety, and their beautiful-vulnerability through dependence, are fortunate. In this way and through these understandings, they’re set free on a course through life, that is sure and true. Fortunate indeed.

When we understand children for their capacity to love, we are all this fortunate, because we set ourselves free too. If only we could cherish more of our children in this way. If only.