Get What you Give

Get What you Give

How exactly do we fulfil what we believe? What exactly is the mechanism of belief? What is the crank that turns the wheels of self-fulfilling prophecy? How do we create our own pain and suffering?

Looking at the media, and what it’s choosing to report of late, it’s fairly clear to see: what we must understand of us human beings, is that we’re all a pretty, rotten, bunch really. Abuse, mayhem, wars, anger, murder, terrorism, rage etc. are all the media are interested in reporting. It makes headlines, sells papers, and improves ratings.

Let’s face it, we all need to know just how miserable everybody else’s lives are, compared to our own. As long as everyone else is having a hard time – perhaps slightly more of a struggle than us – then we feel slightly better about our lot. This is why the horror all around us, reported and talked about on a daily basis, holds such fascination.

Think about this: If all that was ever reported was good news, highlighting the wonders and delights of the world about us, how would we feel?

In time, would it have the effect of depressing us, as we become increasingly aware of the misery of our own lives? If all we see are the extreme examples of suffering and misery, the media are so keen to report, the effect is to generate internal thoughts of this nature: ‘thank goodness I’m not suffering in that way, I’m so grateful for all that I have.’ GUILT.

The media, through what they choose to report, are saying: “just settle down now and be grateful for what you have”, even if this is the illusion of happiness created through being grateful we’re not suffering as much as everybody else. GUILT!”

Let me tell you something: the vast majority of people in this country/world are experiencing high levels of suffering and pain that a minority have managed to escape. They’ve escaped this suffering through becoming self-aware. In other words, every day they ask themselves some very important questions: how do I create my own pain and suffering? In what way are others teaching me GUILT?

Consider this: what do you imagine would be the best, most efficient way, of bringing out the worst in people? This may seem like a strange question, and yet it’s a very important one.

The best, most efficient way of bringing out the worst in people, is to be one of the worst people yourself.

That’s right, if you really put your mind to it, you could be the most obnoxious, hateful person it’s possible to be, and then you’ll certainly see all the worst aspects of human nature. You get what you give.

In this way, it’s possible to understand how – by believing the worst of people – it’s possible to bring out the worst in people. For example, in general terms, how do we feel toward abusers, rapists and murderers? Not very charitably that’s for sure. And so what do you imagine abusers, rapists and murders, believe (feel) about us, their fellow man? Do they believe human beings are loving, kind, generous and compassionate beings? Somehow I doubt it.  

It’s possible to take this understanding into many aspects of our lives. If we’re not getting what we want from life, we’d do well to ask ourselves: how do I do this? How do I do, I’m not getting what I want? In other words:

The crank that turns the wheels of expectation, versus experience and accomplishment, is in fact you.

If you’re not getting what you want – or need to be sure you’re not self-sabotaging your ambitions – be sure the crank is being turned in your favour, by questioning how it is you get, what you’re currently getting.

If all that’s a little bit too much to take in, consider this last thought. A man I once knew had an uncanny ability to wind-people-up, some would have described him as a ‘wind-up-merchant.’ In some respects a useful technique for a therapist (think emotional-provocation-equals-change) however, in everyday life, all the wind-up-merchant (antagonist) gets – if he’s unaware of his habit – is a confused sense of aggravation.

Our wind-up-merchant learned this ability from his mother who would often antagonise his father, in order to try and wake him, to the desperate situation he and his family were in at that time.

Also her inability to express anger (passive-aggressive personality) meant that expression, of this repressed emotion, was sought through the process of antagonising others.

In a strange kind of way, once others became angry, this held release for her; it released her fear. She was frightened and needed others to feel this way also. Similar to the, ‘I-hurt-so-you-hurt’ unconscious processing, of abusers and bullies.

Get What you Give

We get what we give, so remember: give love by looking to empower all those we meet. In this way, we in turn become powerful, compassionate and loving people.

To Love is to Empower. Be aware of the why and how you’re turning the crank of you and your beliefs. If you’re hurting, stop adding to this pain, by giving it to others; simply madness.

We will only ever ease our pain through expressing and teaching love; something the media are frightened to do – because this would change the world for the better – and what would they have to talk about then, do you think?

The Belief House of Cards

house of playing cards

“If you’ve ever built a house of cards, and then extracted one of the supporting cards from the bottom, how long does it take for it to collapse? Exactly. A second.”

Would you say – when wanting to disassemble a house of cards – that it’s easier to take it down from the top, or simply pull out a supporting card from the bottom? Again, exactly that, the simplest method, requiring the least amount of effort, will always be the better solution.

Think of a belief system in the same way. The support beliefs will be the ones established in the mind the longest: our earliest experience-learnings, and as such, the foundations for our house and belief system. When we question these beliefs, their origins, logic, usefulness etc. we begin the process of extraction. How far do we need to pull a card, within our belief house, before collapse? As you can imagine, not far at all. Let me give you an example:

Consider someone working within the sex industry who seeks change. What are the beliefs – from early learnings relating to sex and the self – likely to be, of an individual who has chosen to work within this trade? Would you estimate these early learning to have been positive or negative? Does a person who sells their body have a positive or negative self-image? Remember we’re looking slightly deeper than the obvious here.

“The obvious rationalisation, for why someone has chosen to be in the sex trade, is that they’ve fallen on hard times, or they’ve become addicted to drugs and so on, however, it’s the root of the problem that we’re interested in.”

The root cause often escapes the obvious, conscious rationalisation, as it resides deep within the mind of the sufferer. Turning to drugs, for example, is often the cure to the deep-seated, misplaced guilt, inflicted from childhood abuse (never neglecting to remember the abuse of neglect). The cause, that leads to the effect, lies deeper than the obvious.  

“So in terms of our ‘Belief House of Cards,’ the cards, (beliefs) we must extract – through judicious questioning – are the base, supporting ones.”

Our sex worker will have a minimum of two, negative limiting beliefs, relating to sex and the self, that all other beliefs will have been built on. In principle we only need find one of these, extract it, and the house comes tumbling down.

“How long does it take for a house of cards to collapse? Much less time than it takes to build it, that’s for sure.”



When a belief system – and therefore way of life – has taken years to establish itself, to suggest this can be changed overnight, is often met with incredulity, and dare I say it, disbelief. As such, simple metaphor helps in the process we work with, to prevent the self-sabotage of the therapeutic process that some therapist may experience.


The house, built on foundations and clear understandings of love, will always stand the test of time. Many abusers of our children do this under the guise of love. We must explain to the child-within, what love really is and what it really stands for. When we do, their limiting ‘Belief House of Cards,’ collapses into the dust from where it came.

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